- Never turn your phone on silent. If your phone is on silent, no one will know how desirable you are. If your phone rings in class or a similar public setting, grumble “oh, not him again!” while you rummage through your bag to turn the ringer off… and then on again. People will assume that you have gotten a text from a lovestruck suitor, and not ATT monthly billing. If your phone happens to ring again in that same class, just get a look on your face that says “wow, I guess it’s malfunctioning, or this guy’s love for me transcends the laws of technology!” Everyone will know that you get a lot of texts, which makes you popular.
- Make strangers look like friends. Sit down with a tableful of strangers in the dining hall. Don’t speak, but laugh when they laugh. When people walk by, they will assume that you are a friend of these people. Walk with other people in large groups. Wave at everyone you see in public places. Ask to bum a cigarette from someone standing in a crowd outside a party, and then stand awkwardly in that crowd while you make weird little non-inhaling puffs on the cigarette. Everyone will think that you are so popular.
- Post weird things on other people’s facebook walls. Write something like, “uhmm orange = chili. i love orange,” or “I love your hymen story.” Third parties will read this and think that you and the recipient of your wallpost are very close, because to an outside observer this will look very much like an inside joke or a very personal anecdote. One does not simply share “hymen stories” with people with whom they are not very close friends. The recipient of the wallpost will think that maybe you are mistaken, or on drugs. Being perceived to be on drugs may also make you appear more popular, though, so go with it!
- Look secure. (Obviously you’re not.) But one of the best ways to look like you have a lot of friends is to act like you don’t care whether you have friends or not. Go to the dining hall alone, sit in a prominent place, and read a book. Wear a jaunty hat or something so people know how relaxed you are (jaunty hat = relaxation). Do things by yourself a lot of the time. Appear disinterested in human contact, but act like you would still have no trouble getting it if you wanted to.
Try any of these tips? Man, let me know how that worked out (preferably in the comments section below!)