1. Only do half of the things. Take half a shower. Brush half of your teeth. Put on half your clothes. Apply makeup to half your face.
2. Prepare everything before you go to sleep. Check the weather, decide what you’re going to wear, lay it out, decide what you’re going to do for food, lay out your food or your wallet or whatever you may need, et cetera. Then, you can wake up in the morning and change your mind about everything.
3. Invest in an espresso machine. Down three shots of espresso (minimum) before doing anything else. Blast techno music. Alternatively, develop a cocaine habit.
4. Stop trying to do so damn many things. No one at your 10AM econ lecture cares if you’re wearing eyeliner. If you wear sweatpants to bed, you’ve saved yourself a step in the morning. Showers are for people who have time for that kind of thing, and you are not one of those people. If you shave your legs every day, I’m going to personally go to your dorm and kick you or something.
5. Get rid of most of your clothes. I’ve found that the most frustrating and time-consuming part of my morning routine is deciding what to wear. The fewer options, the better. Keep mostly black things. Black looks good with everything, and if you get it dirty, no one will ever know.
6. Develop a tense relationship with your roommate. Steal her shoes or something egregiously horrible (redundant?) so that she really has a reason to hate you. Then, you will be especially motivated to minimize your waking time in your bedroom. Successful life strategies!
7. Spend the night in your lecture hall. Wake up just as everyone else is coming in.