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It is slowly becoming more and more apparent that society is trying to tear us girls down, and it drives me crazy. While on a procrastinatory peruse of hercampus.com, I stupidly wandered into the “LOVE” section and found this masterpiece:

How Not To Turn Guys Off

Let’s just go through this point by point. First of all, when I find that a guy isn’t interested in me, usually my first instinct is to assume I did something wrong, and that’s an instinct that takes serious confidence and/or (metaphorical) balls to overcome. So here this chick is, telling us, nope, take your confidence and shove it, because you probably did fuck it all up yourself, you loser. Fix yourself, because these guys have some complaints and if you can’t attract them you’ll be alone forever. And then we get to read the “turn offs” that these guys have.

“Any sort of ‘trashy behavior.’ For example, I don’t see how any being on this planet would want to have even the most fleeting relationship with Snooki” – Jeff, 21

Look, Snooki and I have nothing in common, but if someone has decided that the Jersey Shore life is the life for her, whatever, that’s cool. If that’s your style, great. Don’t let Jeff, 21 tell you that you’re not desirable. Jeff not liking you doesn’t mean you should change your whole personality. It just means that you and Jeff probably won’t be good together. No great loss. Really.

“We’re talking…so if I could have your full attention it would be appreciated, i.e., put down your cell phone and walk away from all your friends if you’re really interested.” – Aaron, 22.

This sounds reasonable, until you realize it was in the “When you first meet” category. Aaron, you need to tone down your ego just a little. I just met you, (and this is crazy,) and my friends have been my friends for like, at least a couple weeks or so, so I don’t think you have the right to demand my undivided attention just yet (didja sing that? Didja?). Also, I just got a text from my dad that my poor little dog has tiny-dog-epilepsy, so forgive me Aaron, but the world doesn’t revolve around you.

“Every girl says they want ‘a guy with a good sense of humor.’ After looks (obviously) we look for this too. If you don’t have a good sense of humor, humor me and laugh it won’t work.”  - Aaron, 22

Here we’ve got Aaron going into his personal preferences. That’s fine (although I’m going to take issue with the fact that he assumes that everyone knows looks are priority number one for every guy in the world). Aaron, you have every right to find a girl with a sense of humor. Cara, though, shame on you for implying to all the humorless girls out there that they’d better go read a joke book or no boy is going to like them ever. I’m imagining all of these guys as Ryan Gosling in Crazy Stupid Love, going up to girls in bars and saying “IMPRESS ME. CAN YOU MAKE ME LAUGH? IF NOT, YOU LOSE. YOU DON’T NEED FRIENDS RIGHT NOW; I’M TALKING TO YOU.” And if you happen to think Aaron’s jokes aren’t funny, you should keep that shit to yourself. Aaron’s the only one allowed to disapprove of jokes here. Know your place, woman.

“I don’t really care what you order when we go out to dinner as long as you eat it…and don’t complain about calories and how fat you are. Why would you think it’s a good idea to draw attention to that?” – Carlos, 23

Carlos, you almost had me. I almost agreed with everything you said, until I got to that last sentence. Yes, ladies, Carlos already knows you’re fat and he’s doing everything he can not to think about it. Stop bringing it up! (But yes, whining about the calories you’re consuming is generally a turn-off, and indicative of larger self-esteem problems that you should probably work out before you start dating. Also, if there’s a guy who’s turned on by your undue interest in calories, please stop dating him immediately).

“Constantly texting me and initiating the conversation. Hello, I want a little bit of a chase.” – Chris, 19

Chris, maybe you want a chase. But it seems like Aaron wanted a girl to walk up to him and say, “I have no interests other than you and making you laugh. Do you think I’m pretty?” So maybe you’ll get with a girl who is the shy type, or someone really good at playing the chasing games (I am not very good at those games). Aaron however will be alone forever because I say so.

The point is, all these people (even Aaron) are entitled to their own preferences. I have preferences too. Maybe I’m dissimilar-to-Snooki enough for Jeff, but he’s too judgmental and slut-shamey for me, so we’re just not going to date. Compatibility is a two-way street, guys. Seriously.