the five people you meet on precollege facebook groups

1. The Fanatic.

This person is so so so so so excited to go to college. Like, so excited. Every day she posts an update on the construction of the new Egyptology building or the wikipedia page of notable alumni. He applied early decision. Before getting in, you could find this person on College Confidential (also known as where sanity goes to die) (literally this website gave me a twitch) writing about how they would go to campus and jump off the tallest building (the Sciences Library, if you were wondering) if they didn’t get in.

2. The Enigma.

This guy is going to be a Literary Arts major, and he wants you to know it. He acts like he’s looking for friends with similar interests, but what he means by that is, “I want everyone to think I’m cool before I show up, so I’m going to spout nonsense about my recent crisis of subjectivity and psychosexual dynamics.” Her profile picture is an abstract painting (in fact, ten bucks says it’s a Rothko). If this person were in fact mysterious, they would not be posting so many things in the “OMG UNIVERSITY CLASS OF 2016″ facebook group.

3. The Person with Really Specific Interests

This girl really does just want to find friends with similar interests. However, literally nobody has these similar interests. She makes a post shortly after joining the facebook group: “Hey guys! So excited to meet all of you. Just wondering – does anyone else make up nonlinear pictoral languages in their spare time?” After about a month, he’ll write again: “Just got back from my marching band’s final competition! Any other electric tuba enthusiasts?”

Crickets.

4. The Encyclopedia

Unlike the fanatic, she’s not obsessed with your school per se. She’s just really really knowledgeable. Someone writes, “Thinking of lofting my bed… thoughts?” and he promptly responds “according to reslife: “Lofted bed frames may be permitted provided commercially-available products are used. This means you may not build a loft yourself. Placing bed frames on top of dressers does not meet Rhode Island Fire Code and is NOT allowed.” I guess that means you have to buy a like, lofting set? Here are some links I found to commercial options.”

5. The Social Butterfly

This person friend requested you. You recognized his name, saw your future school’s network, and clicked accept. It turns out the last eighteen posts on his wall are something to the effect of “Hey! Thanks for the request — what’s up?” which is pretty much all you can say to someone whom you know nothing about. She’s started in-depth conversations with at least five separate people about movies, living arrangements, and plans to go to Target together when they get to school. You will still be friends with her in two years, and you will realize the two of you have never spoken. Not once.

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