Aries: You’re probably someone that I’ve disagreed with, and I probably don’t like you, because I’m an Aries too and we’re stubborn jerks a lot of the time. We probably got in a fight about something stupid (e.g. the merits of Rebecca Black’s “My Moment,” whether it’s okay not to read the Harry Potter books, the fact that prescriptive grammarians are full of shit) and neither of us are totally over it. Arieses are crazy people.
Taurus: You’re really nice, but I also don’t really get you. I don’t know. I find your friendliness a little off-putting. You probably did me a really awesome favor one time and then I got paranoid that you resented me for it.
Gemini: Y’all are crazy people, and we’re probably friends, but I probably don’t trust you because you’re so persuasive. It’s nothing personal, I swear! It’s just that I walk away from a conversation with you wondering how you’ve convinced me that Ayn Rand has the secret to success in America, and people who can sneak these ideas into my mind are not people I can totally trust.
Cancer: You’re the sort of person I can sit down with and talk to about my life and your life and everyone else’s lives for probably six hours straight, even if you’re a complete stranger or my landlord or something. I really don’t want you to be sad.
Leo: You are all over the damn place. They say you’re a natural leader, which is likely to piss me off, because hello I am an Aries and I like to be in charge. That’s as much my fault as yours. You also probably like drama though, and I’m probably just going to avoid you on that basis alone. I got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one.
Virgo: Man, Virgos are boring boring people. I don’t think I know any interesting Virgos, and if I do, please raise your hand and change my mind about Virgos, because maybe I just don’t know that you’re a Virgo. But please. Your whole sign is based on your virginity, hygiene is on your list of likes, and according to astrology-online.com, “Male Virgoans may have trouble with their sexual organs.” Snap.
Libra: All of my Sims used to be Libras, and my first crush in third grade was a Libra (Yeah, I looked that up. You’re never too young to start stalking your romantic interests). Obviously, you guys are my favorites. You’re clever like those Gemini folks, but I don’t feel like you’re trying to trick me (maybe because you’re better at it, or I have a crush on you).
Scorpio: According to the internet, y’all are obsessive stubborn jerks, but all of the Scorpios I know are actually pretty nice. I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt, based entirely on my own anecdotal evidence about Scorpios. You guys are so real. You sort of stare into someone’s soul a little bit, which may or may not be unsettling, but I like you.
Sagittarius: The body part associated with Sagittariuses is the thighs. I say so because I do not know anything about you people. Apparently you like to travel and dislike being tied down domestically, so I guess you’re like the male lead in some career-focused romantic comedy. Don’t worry! You will eventually realize that you are nothing without a wife and kids!
Capricorn: You probably got straight As in high school. Worse, you were probably that kid in third grade who was really good at Mad Multiplication Minutes (which do not in fact test your intelligence, but merely your ability to memorize your times tables). I probably don’t like you because I’m still bitter about your kind acting all superior in third grade.
Aquarius: You’re clever, and I like you, because I read somewhere when I was in elementary school that your “actual” zodiac sign was the one two signs before your normal one. I would read my Aries and Aquarius horoscopes every day and then pick the one I liked better as my “real” horoscope. All of this is evidence, of course, that I’m an idealistic Aquarius after all.
Pisces: You are likely to suffer inflammation of the eyelids. I can’t always keep up with your train of thought, but I kind of like that about you. You’re that sign I always forget about because it’s at the end, but then when I remember it, I think “yeah, those guys are alright!” You are never offended by this.