how to write a cover letter

how to write a cover letterPhoto Credit: Waponi via Compfight cc

Writing a cover letter is probably the douchiest thing you will ever have to do. The entire purpose of this letter is to tell somebody else that you are great, while making it sound like you’ve been preparing for this moment (of applying for an internship with SaveTheDolphins.com) for your entire life.

It’s a unique and miserable combination of boring and stressful. Luckily, I’ve hit my head against the wall trying to figure out how to write the perfect cover letter, so you don’t have to!

like all great things, a cover letter has three parts.

In part one, you say who you are, what job you’re applying for, and why your potential employer is the greatest company to have ever existed. If you forget any of these parts, they will set your cover letter on fire.

In part two, you talk about yourself ad nauseam. Literally, if the hiring manager does not feel nauseous at the end of your second paragraph, you have not said enough. Don’t repeat all the stuff on your resume, because they presumably have your resume anyway, and that crap is boring. Instead, bring up specific experiences and anecdotes that no one will really be able to confirm or deny. Use these as evidence for your own greatness.

In part three, mumble something about your email address.

need an example? look no further.

Dear Mr. Manager,

My name is Clara, and I am applying for the sales internship I found on your website. I think that you, your website, and your company are all the fucking bomb. Coincidentally, I am also the fucking bomb, so I am confident that I would be a great candidate for this extraordinary role.

I would be great for this internship because I am creative, energetic, dedicated, focused, passionate, driven, intelligent, and eager to learn. As a young child, my parents hung every single scribble I created on the refrigerator, which taught me an important lesson: I am an unparalleled genius. I have only had one negative experience in my entire life, and it taught me humility, so now I am literally perfect. Even so, I have no boundaries whatsoever. I will get you coffee, pick up your dry cleaning, and vacuum your mother’s house if you ask me to. I am the most dedicated worker you have ever seen. Ever. I cannot imagine one single reason that I am not the ideal candidate for this internship, although I trust your infinite wisdom and will understand (or try) if you disagree.

I look forward to hearing from you! You can call me at any hour of the day. My number is 703 555 1234.

Best regards,

Clara

How much do you dare me to actually send this to people?

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