i’m sorry, white american male

I’m sorry, white American male. Suzanne Venker is right. I’ve been oppressing you. With all my murky intentions and feminist ends, I forgot to look out for your rights. My bad, white American male. I’m sorry.

I’ve been representing you unfairly in the media.

Every day, you have to see one-dimensional and offensive representations of your gender on the television. I have no idea what that’s like, but I bet it’s really hard. I mean, remember that Dove commercial where the girl stands on the beach and hundreds of nearly-identical scantily clad sexy dudes run towards her? Y’all must have been so offended! That totally implies that men are sexual objects, rather than individual human beings with personalities, and reinforces the idea that there’s only one way to be attractive! How terrible.

Maybe you didn’t mind all that. I mean, sex sells. But men are unfairly portrayed in every aspect of the media! One time I saw a sitcom, and there was a man in it, and he was stupid, so… I’m assuming that speaks for itself. And in the rest of the media, you’re just so unrepresented. That must really suck for you guys.

I’ve set up a pretty shitty education system for you.

I didn’t realize that our grade schools basically discriminate against boys. They totally do though, what with all of their “sitting still” and whatnot. I mean, only boys have trouble sitting still, so it’s clearly a disadvantage for them. Girls emerge from the womb happy to sit quietly and learn their letters. Many schools have even cut recess — which must be awful, if you’re a boy. As a girl, I couldn’t care less, because girls don’t even like recess. When I was in lower school, all the other girls and I would stand on the playground with the teacher and ask “Can I go inside and sit quietly instead please?” so I’m glad they got rid of that recess nonsense.

When boys get off to such a rough start, it’s no wonder they’re so unsuccessful later in life. That must be why all those Fortune 500 CEOs are women. Once you get a check-minus on your moon project, there’s really no recovering.

Worst of all, I keep having sex with you without my consent! And then reporting it!

I’m so sorry for doing that so often. It’s totally intentional. But when you try to blame me for what is clearly my fault, no one believes you! Haha! Feminism wins again!

Then I get the police to send you away to jail. It’s so easy for me to do that. Everyone listens to me, and no one ever considers the possibility that you’re innocent, and I get to sail away on a cruise ship of female privilege while you sit there in prison, wondering why your voice hasn’t been heard. Rough.

You should really do something about that.

As Venker points out, men are notoriously docile.

Unlike women … men don’t organize and form groups when they’ve been persecuted. They just bow out of the game.

White American men, I think we need some empowerment programs for you. You really aren’t very good at organizing or forming groups. Why don’t you stand up for yourselves once in a while?

Probably because I’ve done such a good job oppressing you. My bad.

  • disqus_LlpeSGqPot

    This is possibly the best and most blatantly honest and effective post I’ve read. Love it!!!

  • Sally

    Can, like, 150,000 women print this and mail it to Venker? Puh-leease?

    • clara b

      Honestly I would LOVE that… let’s do it.

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  • Trudy

    THIS!!!!!!!!!!

  • scratchy888

    It’s really hurtful that when he gives you so many opportunities to help him, you simply decline. Real men are waiting for you to opt in a take charge and really turn things around for them a little bit. You could make them feel a wee bit better about themselves and it would not take too much out of your time.

  • Jess Eagle

    You are amazing, this article is amazing, I love it, and I love you. Thanks x 743,983,849

    • clara b

      Thanks! Glad it resonates with so many people 🙂 🙂

  • Warden

    I can’t imagine why so many of you are single and unhappy.
    I’d ask my wife to teach you all to be a great mom and have a happy, satisfying marriage, but …. pearls before swine and all that.

  • http://www.forherbyher.com/ ForHerByHer

    I love, love, love this! So incredibly well written. Fantastic article!

  • Taylor Ward

    love this

  • abdba

    Comparing all men to the KKK might rally up the base but it’s not going to bring any men to your point of view. Kinda counterproductive. Not to mention that there were plenty of female KKK groups.

  • Mary

    Wow, this article…is utter crap. You are truly mocking average American males, stooping to what you think their level is. The thing that makes me the most angry is the points you made about rape. I have never been through that ordeal and I hope to never have to, but do you realize how many women a year yell rape because they had sex with someone and later regretted it? That’s not rape and it can ruin the life of whoever is accused.

  • Seonardo B

    The main difference between racist and bigot is that that
    racism discriminates on the basis of race, whereas a bigot discriminates
    on the basis of his/hers personal opinion, which can include race, gender,
    religion or beliefs. You, my dear are both and an ugly soul on the top of it. Search your childhood to find what went wrong.