i’m sorry, white american male

I’m sorry, white American male. Suzanne Venker is right. I’ve been oppressing you. With all my murky intentions and feminist ends, I forgot to look out for your rights. My bad, white American male. I’m sorry.

I’ve been representing you unfairly in the media.

Every day, you have to see one-dimensional and offensive representations of your gender on the television. I have no idea what that’s like, but I bet it’s really hard. I mean, remember that Dove commercial where the girl stands on the beach and hundreds of nearly-identical scantily clad sexy dudes run towards her? Y’all must have been so offended! That totally implies that men are sexual objects, rather than individual human beings with personalities, and reinforces the idea that there’s only one way to be attractive! How terrible.

Maybe you didn’t mind all that. I mean, sex sells. But men are unfairly portrayed in every aspect of the media! One time I saw a sitcom, and there was a man in it, and he was stupid, so… I’m assuming that speaks for itself. And in the rest of the media, you’re just so unrepresented. That must really suck for you guys.

I’ve set up a pretty shitty education system for you.

I didn’t realize that our grade schools basically discriminate against boys. They totally do though, what with all of their “sitting still” and whatnot. I mean, only boys have trouble sitting still, so it’s clearly a disadvantage for them. Girls emerge from the womb happy to sit quietly and learn their letters. Many schools have even cut recess — which must be awful, if you’re a boy. As a girl, I couldn’t care less, because girls don’t even like recess. When I was in lower school, all the other girls and I would stand on the playground with the teacher and ask “Can I go inside and sit quietly instead please?” so I’m glad they got rid of that recess nonsense.

When boys get off to such a rough start, it’s no wonder they’re so unsuccessful later in life. That must be why all those Fortune 500 CEOs are women. Once you get a check-minus on your moon project, there’s really no recovering.

Worst of all, I keep having sex with you without my consent! And then reporting it!

I’m so sorry for doing that so often. It’s totally intentional. But when you try to blame me for what is clearly my fault, no one believes you! Haha! Feminism wins again!

Then I get the police to send you away to jail. It’s so easy for me to do that. Everyone listens to me, and no one ever considers the possibility that you’re innocent, and I get to sail away on a cruise ship of female privilege while you sit there in prison, wondering why your voice hasn’t been heard. Rough.

You should really do something about that.

As Venker points out, men are notoriously docile.

Unlike women … men don’t organize and form groups when they’ve been persecuted. They just bow out of the game.

White American men, I think we need some empowerment programs for you. You really aren’t very good at organizing or forming groups. Why don’t you stand up for yourselves once in a while?

Probably because I’ve done such a good job oppressing you. My bad.

Image Map