lies told by at least one female

A twitter hashtag is going around, getting people all riled up. It’s called #liestoldbyfemales and it’s largely sexist bullshit. Shit like “Tell me the truth, I won’t get mad” and “No I’m not jealous!” and “I’m not a stupid slut.” You know, things that are lies!

That upsets me, especially because I am a female and I don’t tell any of these lies. I tell totally different lies. So, in the interest of correcting the record, here are some real lies told by at least one female.

No, you didn’t wake me up.

This is usually a lie I tell to various adults if they’re calling me around noon on a Sunday or something. I mean, of course they’re waking me up. Why the hell would I have been awake? But it’s better for them not to know that.

I’m doing reading.

This is a lie I told today, when I was at a coffee shop with the boyfriend. He was writing his thesis, and I was playing an excellent game called Tropico. I didn’t want him to get jealous so I told him I was reading (which I really should have been doing). Then he found out I was playing Tropico and he was confused that I lied to him for no reason. But really I was protecting him from resenting me. It was in the public good! Or so I thought, at least.

I’m on my way.

I’m usually not on my way. I’m usually in the process of getting ready to leave. But it’s just better to pretend I’m on my way. I’ll get there when I get there, okay?

I like your haircut!

Sometimes I don’t like someone’s haircut but it’s socially appropriate for me to say I do. It’s the best way to acknowledge that you noticed an acquaintance’s haircut, which shows that you pay attention to what they look like. I couldn’t just say, “You got a haircut!” because the omission of a compliment is just as bad as saying “Your new haircut looks terrible.” In those situations, I lie and say I like the haircut.

I have nothing to wear.

To be fair, when I say this, I totally believe that it is true. But if you take a look at my closet, you know it’s not. There’s all kinds of shit in there. There has to be something I can wear.

I’m just, like, kinda hungry.

If I’m hungry enough to be telling you about it, I am probably hungry enough to eat your face off within the next fifteen minutes. There better be food nearby, for the sake of everyone’s safety.

Jane and I are becoming really good friends!

This is a lie I used to tell my parents. Jane Doe (whose name has been changed to protect the innocent) was a girl in my grade in high school who had a big basement and permissive parents. Her house was a top destination for underage shenanigans. As a very conscientious young drunkard, I knew never to drink and drive, so I started sleeping over at Jane’s house quite a lot. My parents hadn’t really even heard of Jane before this started happening, so I had to construct an imaginary growing friendship with this girl. I’m not sure how successful I was.

I don’t listen to Taylor Swift that much.

Yes I do.

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