- Relationships are nice. You get to feel good about yourself and also feel like you are providing emotional support to another person.
- Generally you should enjoy the person you are in a relationship with, so being in a relationship means you get to spend time with a person that you enjoy.
- First base and those other bases are fun.
- You don’t have to be pretty all the time, because the person you are dating is presumably already attracted to you. Here is my theory on attractiveness as it relates to actual attraction: For person A to consider person B a potential romantic prospect, person A must find person B physically attractive in some way. There is a baseline level of physical attraction that must be met. After that point, person B’s personality, and the chemistry between people A and B can make or break the situation. After the baseline level of physical attraction is met, additional physical attractiveness plays no real role (except maybe a cool added bonus). If person A is attracted to person B after considering all of the factors, person B could even lose said physical attractiveness (in the eyes of person A), but person A is likely to still be attracted, because now person A is attracted to person B’s non-physical qualities.
- You almost always have someone to have dinner with.
- You do not have very interesting brunch stories. Your friends can say “Oh my gosh last night I went to a guy’s room and we started making out and then he cried and then I passed out and then we woke up and then we ate bagels and then he painted me naked and we exchanged numbers so he might text me later I think, oh and he had the craziest tattoo on his left butt cheek” and you can only say “yeah, last night I went over to the boyfriend’s room. It was nice,” and no one will care about your story because it is boring.
- If he gets sick, you get sick, and vice versa, so in the end you just pass the same diseases back and forth ad infinitum.
- Relationships, if you’re doing it right, are scary. In the words of The College Hill Independent,
How are confusion, trauma, and absurdity sexy? Let us not forget the central figure of our Valentine’s Day lore, the archer cherubim, Cupid. Love should be less like txting someone and asking them if they want to come over, and more like having a steel shaft penetrate your torso at inhuman speed, causing you to collapse, bleed, and descend into uncontrollable infatuation.
- I mean, texting boys alone can trigger enough anxiety to send one straight into therapy.
- You have to pretend to want to go to his mariachi concert, and he has to pretend to want to read your sociology term paper (which is probably on the mating rituals of bumblebees as compared to college students. Awkward).
Now that you see how romantic/cynical I am, will you be my online valentine? We don’t have to tell the boyfriend. Send all romantic propositions to the comments box below.