1. Serve meals all the time. Some dining halls do this (the Ratty) and some don’t (the V-Dub). I say, if I’m hungry at three PM, there needs to be a place I can go where I can get a meal for a dining credit.
  2. Crazy themes. Sometimes, at Brown, we have “local food night!!1!” or something and everyone gets all excited. I want something like that every day, but not in the whole dining hall. One portion of it should have a wild theme every day. One night, it’s dim sum day. The next, it’s a french bistro and there are little flowers on all the tables.
  3. Mozzarella sticks err’day. And tater tots. Also, if there is ever a shortage of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, the students should have the written right to revolt. These are simply the necessities.
  4. Have varied seating areas. At breakfast I’d like to sit at the standard dining hall table, but maybe for lunch I’d like to lounge in front of a TV with a few of my friends in a chic cafe setting. And for dinner, I’d be really very pleased if there were a faux-candlelit area. I would push for real candlelight, but Rhode Island has a very strict fire code.
  5. Serve vodka. Every dining hall should have a drinking games corner, like the themed tables that the language departments set up sometimes. I want to be able to walk into the dining hall and say, “I’d really like to play Cheers to the Governor,” and sit down with a bunch of people and play. This would be the corner in which the rowdy things happen. On a related note, dining halls shouldn’t close until midnight.
  6. Always have comfort food. By this I do not in fact mean mozzarella sticks every day. I am talking about chicken noodle soup, or mashed potatoes. Sometimes we all sort of want to pretend that our mommies are taking care of us, even if we’re big strong adults with a problem with authority.
  7. Get actual fresh fruit. Guys. For fuck’s sake. Please refrain from playing sports with the apples before presenting them. Some berries might be nice too. Just a thought.