thirteen things not to do your freshman year

1. Become addicted to methamphetamine.

Everyone wants to come to college and try new things. But be careful! If there’s one thing that will ruin your freshman year, it’s a methamphetamine addiction. You’re at school to learn, not to get high on meth every day until you’re twitchy and weird without it!

2. Marry someone on your hall.

In the first few weeks of freshman year, some hall-mates might hook up — or even start dating. That’s natural, although inadvisable (if you can avoid it). College students are anxious, horny, and lazy, so forming an intense emotional and sexual bond with the guy down the hall might seem like a good idea. However, college guys all want one thing: a wife. Don’t let him propose to you! If you get married to someone from your hall, you won’t be able to experience the vibrant college dating scene! Plus, if you divorce, you’ll still probably have to see each other when you’re brushing your teeth. Awkward! No matter how much he begs and pleads, don’t marry him (at least until sophomore year). 

3. Skip all your classes.

You should go to at least one class freshman year. Take a picture of yourself while you’re there, so there’s proof that you went.

4. Graduate.

You’re a freshman! Now is not the time to graduate!

5. Pee on your roommate.

Unless your roommate wants you to, and you two have some kind of consensual mutual-peeing arrangement worked out. In that case, carry on. But otherwise, definitely don’t pee on your roommate!

6. Wallpaper your dorm room with pornographic images.

Don’t do it. It’s going to make your RA uncomfortable, give your roommate all kinds of ammunition to use against you when she inevitably requests a room change, and prevent you from getting laid. Also, that’s a really creepy thing to do.

7. Wallpaper your dorm room with anything.

That’s a fire hazard.

8. Be chronically underdressed.

If your mom isn’t around to force you to look presentable, you might end up embarrassing yourself. Don’t. Fortunately, by college student standards, the only way you could truly be chronically underdressed would be if you wore the same t-shirt/sweatpants combination every day for longer than a week. And even then, you might just be an engineering student.

9. Wear your prom dress to class.

You look silly! That’s too formal!

10. Overshare on facebook.

Your facebook friends don’t need to know about every 1-page response paper you finish writing minutes before the midnight deadline, every emotional phone call with your mom, or every hobo you kill on your way home from class. Especially not the thing about the hobo.

11. Commit arson.

If you set things on fire for the thrill of it, you are endangering yourself and others, and you will not have a very good freshman year.

12. Become a hermit crab.

Now is not the time to declare yourself trans-species, find a shell to live inside, and start eating fruits that have fallen to the ground and decaying wood. You’re a college freshman. You should be going to parties, meeting new friends, and learning to be independent, not wiggling your antennae at potential predators.

12. Be the CEO of a major corporation.

Many students arrive at college having been high school overachievers, and they think they can do it all again in college. But if you’re trying to juggle board meetings, games of golf with Donald Trump, and a full course load, you will be totally overwhelmed, and you won’t even enjoy freshman year.

13. Die.

Everyone seems to want to give you advice on “surviving college,” so here is my number one college-survival-tip: Keep breathing. Continue to supply oxygen to your lungs, which will be distributed via your red blood cells. Also, eat food and get sleep. That way, you will stay alive instead of being dead.

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